I was not prepared for this.

Motherhood. Something women long for. As if there is some biological turkey-thermometer that pops out in your mid-twenties and says "YES! I am ready! Impregnate me!" Well, that is not exactly how that happened for me. Maybe there is some innate force at work here. Some organic thing that said "You know what? Even though I am on birth control, my husband and I are working our way (very slowly) out of financial ruin, and I have FINALLY lost all 45 pounds to hit my weight loss goal, I MUST get pregnant. It is written in the stars". If my body was thinking any of that, my brain was unaware.

My adventure into motherhood began the day I found out I was pregnant. I am a preschool teacher, which is yet another reason why I had decided to hold off on children. One morning I went into work early to set up my classroom and I began to feel, well, odd. Bad. Sick. When you work with children, you tend to dismiss these initial pangs of illness as allergies or residual kinder-disease. It usually goes away pretty quickly and is just one of the perks of the job. This did not go away. This got bad. And fast. I was walking down the hallway towards my classroom when I felt the blood rush from my face, sweat prick the palms of my hands, and a skull filled with helium. Before I knew what happened, my face was in the nearest trash can and I had no control over what my body was doing (I've yet to regain much control of my life). When I lifted my head out of that can, I saw that I had an audience of parents and teachers. After assuring them that I must've eaten something that didn't agree with me, I pretended not to notice their knowing smirks as they walked away. A coworker hung back and asked me if I was okay. After saying that I was actually still feeling a bit queasy, she asked me the big question: Do you think you might be pregnant?

When someone asks you that question, even if you are one-hundred percent sure you are not, you always think: is it possible? Oh, no, my husband I haven't had time to have dinner together in almost two months, let alone..., there is no way. But... I did read about that girl in Iowa who got pregnant just by sitting in a hot tub... have I been in any hot tubs?

All of these thoughts were going through my head as I laughed and said something about between my hours and my husbands crazy new work schedule, it would be miracle.

By the time I had walked from the kitchen to my classroom, maybe 150 feet, I was sheet white again and barely made it to the trash can. This time, some early arriving students were witness to this display. Great.

I began calculating things in my head... about 8 weeks prior to that day I had taken a staff trip to Israel. I had been gone for two weeks and although the trip had been a beautiful and exciting learning experience, I missed my husband. For two weeks after my return, we spent most of our time as we did 6 years ago when we first started dating: just laying in bed staring at each other and being in love. Sometimes my husband would strum his guitar and sing to me, sometimes we order Chinese and eat in bed, tweaking each others noses with chopsticks and watching mindless tv. It was a short lived but phenomenal time in our marriage. A time that ended precisely six weeks ago...

I was able to get a substitute in my classroom for the day and I headed to Target. I bought three pregnancy tests and headed straight for the bathroom. In Target. I was so anxious I couldn't even wait to drive home. Unfortunately the bathrooms were unavailable as this particular target was being remodeled. My only option was a trailer bathroom outside of the Target. I took that option.

When I went in, I was so nervous that I didn't even notice the other people in the stalls. I took the first test and I waited. I looked at the instructions. One line : Not pregnant. Two lines : Pregnant. That seemed easy enough. As I looked at my test, the first bright line appeared. Immediately followed by another pink line. Two lines. I looked at the box. Two lines : Pregnant. Back at the test. Two lines. Maybe one will go away? I haven't waited the full 3 minutes... No, it's been about 7 minutes. In the stall of a trailer bathroom outside of a Target. With two lines. Two lines : Pregnant. Oh, God.